When The Penny Drops . . .

Lust ... The most deadliest of the seven sins, well, for me anyway! This obviously comes hand in hand with greed. When I have cake, I want to eat it too, not a crumb left.

For a little over 12 months I have been involved with a guy when I know I shouldn't, for reasons that don't need to see the light of day, for now anyway. Our relationship has been a whirlwind of excitement, passion and deeper feelings. The only problem is we can't be anything but a secret. One which only comes alive behind closed doors.

Whilst I have been recovering from my operation over the last couple of weeks it has really given me time to think about where our relationship is going and where our story might end up. I know in my head we have to remain tight lipped on our romance and in that respect we are at a dead end. My heart however, it just can't let go. The feelings I have go back nearly 10 years and I have never really been able to shake them.

Despite the direction in which my heart is pulling me, my head had one big reality check the other day which made me question everything I am doing and what I am going to do about it.

We had arranged to meet. He would come to my house and see me during my recovery, make sure I was ok etc. I felt completely awful due to the recovery so I made up for it the only way I know how. I put on a face full of make up, styled my hair, threw on a push up bra and a gorgeous satin and lace slinky camisole tunic. I lit some candles, dimmed the lights (to avoid him noticing the bags under my eyes), I really had made an effort. 

I lay on my bed watching some 'Gossip Girl' and checked my phone.     He was due to arrive in no more than 5 minutes and my heart started to race as I hadn't seen him for a while. My phone then beeped and as I opened the message that popped up ...

He had cancelled!

Apparently he had been met after work by someone which he wasn't expecting and we would need to reschedule. 

So while I was changing into my comfy pjs, blowing out candles and removing my make up I couldn't help but question everything I was doing! There was me making more effort than I could physically cope with and him, walking round without a care in the world that he had cancelled his plans with me.

Whilst the past year or so has been so much fun and I have got more out of it than a lot of people would know, I have no choice but to end whatever it is we have and continue my quest for love! 

Until next time ...

Jazz 

xxx

Three Little Words . . .

These days that little four letter word people once were scared to say is used so frequently that somewhere, the meaning has got lost in translation, along with romance, chivalry and everything that comes with it.

People used to put so much effort into how they would tell their partners they loved them, some feared hearing those 8 letters, those 3 words, I love you. Now people just 'love that sweater', 'love' pizza or just 'love that song'. There is no greater meaning to it, it isn't special, it is simply another word we use to express our feelings towards our new dress we bought at the weekend.

Is this where I am going wrong in my quest for love? Chivalry and romance is practically non existent these days and maybe true love is dying too! These days we have to resort to online dating or a drunken night out to meet anyone, whatever happened to being asked out to dinner? Hell, I'd settle for a coffee! 

Am I expecting too much from the modern man. A few flowers, doors being held open and being chased is what I long for! Instead I get a message lacking vowels online, doors shut in my face and the occasional chest stare, not really the romance I long for.

Is it so wrong that I want a guy to send me flowers with a card on telling me to meet him at a restaurant at 8pm?! Surely that's one of the basics in how to woo a woman! Instead we get a vague ask to 'do something sometime' ... WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?! 

Ladies! We need to make a stand and bring back the reign of chivalry and romance! We need the era of grand gestures and true good old fashioned love back! Who's with me??

Until next time 

Jazz

xxx

I May Have Lost My Mind . . .

Last week I went under the knife, no I didn't have some form of extreme makeover to make me look like a supermodel extraordinaire, I had a laparoscopy due to the good old condition of mine - Endometriosis.

Prior to my operation I thought with my two weeks off I would have a million posts written along with all the witty headlines to capture your attention and enlighten you into what is happening within my bubble. 

The truth is, enduring copious amounts of pain, gorging on an obscene amount of chocolate and the lack of the ability to shower properly doesn't make for entertaining reading!

Having the time off has given me lots of time to think and it has left me more confused than ever before. I thought I would be able to see what my heart wants and who it wants. This is what my brain has come up with ...

Yes, a big pile of WHAT THE EFF!!!

I am hoping that in my return to normality my brain reinstates itself as a fully functioning organ.

Whether it will or not ... Well that's only for time to tell!

Until next time

Jazz

xxx

Written In The Stars . ..

Astrology, whether you believe in it or not, we all have a glance at our horoscopes from time to time. 

When you read up on astrology and star signs in particular, it generally gives an overview of the characteristics particular to each sign, along with flowers, gemstones and numbers. 

As you read along you find out about what they like and dislike, what they are like with money and what sort of partner they are. 

A couple of days ago, a colleague of mine brought to work her 2014 astrology book. As I was reading through I noticed a section with the top cities connected to each. I looked and found that for my sign (Gemini) the very first city listed was Cardiff. As you know I recently went down to Cardiff for a long weekend and now I am saving to move there. As you can imagine reading this was a massive surprise and it got me thinking. 

Are our lives already mapped out for us? Are the choices we make, the people we meet, the people we love already there, pre programmed into our minds just waiting for their moment to arise? Is everything we do part of the game of life?

I wonder what happens if we manage to veer off our chosen paths. Would it be a car crash from the word go or would we end up in a different but oddly happy place?

What will my next move will be? I shall roll the dice and let you know!

Until next time

Jazz

xxx

There Is Always That One . ..

I once read that we all have one person who will always be our 'nearly'. That one person who no matter what, you will love eternally but you just can never be with.

Until recently I thought this was simply no more than an old wives tale. Oh how wrong could I be!

No matter how many dates I go on, no matter who I get involved with, my thoughts always come back to one particular person. Especially since I have found out he is BACK IN TOWN! Yes it may only be for a few days, yes it is highly unlikely I will bump into him but still my mind refuses to stop going into complete and utter melt down mode.

Each and every one of my thoughts is being consumed with thoughts of 'what ifs'. Along with that also comes years of heartache, tears but most of all love. Unfortunately it was mostly on my part, in fact I would go as far to say it was only on my part.

I look back though and I can't feel any regrets towards him first coming into my life as over the years he has given me the feeling of being loved.

The most beneficial part of time is that it makes that hazy picture in your head suddenly crystal clear and as opposed to regretting the things we have done or the things we feel, we embrace the lessons taught and what we have learnt along the way. 

Sometimes we just have to accept that sometimes, no matter how much we fight, the battle was over before it began.

Can we ever move on from these people? Probably not. Will we forever feel like teenagers when thinking of them? Most likely. Will there be a time where we only look back and smile? Now that I'm sure of!

Until next time.

Jazz
xxx

Ripping Off A Band Aid . . .

When life hands us a decision to make, more often than not, it is one we don't want to make. Some people make lists of pros and cons, some people toss a coin and some people look at the cold hard facts. Some situations can be a win, win for everyone but 9 times out of 10 someone winds up getting hurt. 

Today I have had to make a few decisions. It has been a day for tying up some loose ends, or at least working on it in some cases. My approach - tough love and cold hard facts.

Recently I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be one of the sweetest I have met. Since, we have said we would like to meet up again but as neither of us drive and bus links are pretty shoddy between our two towns 40 minutes apart, this is yet to happen.

Today I made the really tough decision to tell him I didn't think we should continue fooling ourselves and that we were at a dead end. Obviously other factors have contributed to this and I haven't just binned him over a drivers license. This has left me feeling worse, as now I not only feel like a terrible person but another chance of eternal happiness and a ticket out of single town has just slipped through my fingers!

I have also made the decision that I am going to tell my latest crush that he is exactly that. This will take a little more time, careful planning and I will need to be extremely tactile as this confession comes with complications. What they are you'll just have to wait and see! Wish me luck!

Until next time ...

Jazz
xxx 

Changes . . .

As things grow in life, they change and for the most part, the better ... even us!

The older we get the more we grow and change. This past year I have grown considerably and I am changing constantly. One thing that hasn't changed in a long time is this very blog you are reading!

As you can see I have had a little revamp around here and you shall see more improvements over the next couple of weeks. I have changed the name of the blog as you guys really do hear ALL about that Jazz ... (see what I did there)!

As I am still computer-less I have invested in a gorgeous, shiny, brand spanking new tablet so I can keep you all updated on my life on a more regular basis!

I hope you all embrace these changes as much as I do!

Until next time!

Jazz 

xxx