Lust ... The most deadliest of the seven sins, well, for me anyway! This obviously comes hand in hand with greed. When I have cake, I want to eat it too, not a crumb left.
For a little over 12 months I have been involved with a guy when I know I shouldn't, for reasons that don't need to see the light of day, for now anyway. Our relationship has been a whirlwind of excitement, passion and deeper feelings. The only problem is we can't be anything but a secret. One which only comes alive behind closed doors.
Whilst I have been recovering from my operation over the last couple of weeks it has really given me time to think about where our relationship is going and where our story might end up. I know in my head we have to remain tight lipped on our romance and in that respect we are at a dead end. My heart however, it just can't let go. The feelings I have go back nearly 10 years and I have never really been able to shake them.
Despite the direction in which my heart is pulling me, my head had one big reality check the other day which made me question everything I am doing and what I am going to do about it.
We had arranged to meet. He would come to my house and see me during my recovery, make sure I was ok etc. I felt completely awful due to the recovery so I made up for it the only way I know how. I put on a face full of make up, styled my hair, threw on a push up bra and a gorgeous satin and lace slinky camisole tunic. I lit some candles, dimmed the lights (to avoid him noticing the bags under my eyes), I really had made an effort.
I lay on my bed watching some 'Gossip Girl' and checked my phone. He was due to arrive in no more than 5 minutes and my heart started to race as I hadn't seen him for a while. My phone then beeped and as I opened the message that popped up ...
He had cancelled!
Apparently he had been met after work by someone which he wasn't expecting and we would need to reschedule.
So while I was changing into my comfy pjs, blowing out candles and removing my make up I couldn't help but question everything I was doing! There was me making more effort than I could physically cope with and him, walking round without a care in the world that he had cancelled his plans with me.
Whilst the past year or so has been so much fun and I have got more out of it than a lot of people would know, I have no choice but to end whatever it is we have and continue my quest for love!
Until next time ...
Jazz
xxx
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